Now that the spots are, for the most part, clinched, I feel that it is time to shake the dust off of the old swami’s cap to make some bold predictions about the postseason of Major League Baseball. Be prepared, because this trek of more than 1,000,000 mi2 in order to determine the outcome of these series is going to get a little a little rocky. Not all playoff spots have been clinched, though. The Houston Astros (at the date of publication) haven’t clinched their playoff spot yet, but with a series coming up against the hapless Diamondbacks and a one-game advantage on the final Wild Card spot, things are looking alright in Houston.

Let me lay down the ground rules for my predictions before we go any farther. These predictions will be based primarily upon the recent performances of each team, so, of course, the Blue Jays will have a greater preference (Because their team just isn’t fair. Just look at it; their roster is stacked.) than, say, the plummeting teams behind St. Louis in the National League (*cough* Dodgers *cough* Mets *cough*). Now that my throat is clear, we may begin.

American League

2. Kansas City Royals vs. 3. Texas Rangers

The first stop on our cross-country(-ies) prediction tour is to a mythical place called Kansas City. This town supposedly harbors one of the best teams in the AL, the Royals, but I don’t believe the lies spouted by the mass media. Once you get west of Jefferson City, it’s all just one big cornfield until you hit the Rocky Mountains. Nevertheless, the stories of the fabled Royals persist, and they are apparently facing the Texas Rangers in the ALDS. I may not be a licensed psychic (I missed passing the final exam by one question: “Will LeBron ever be as good as Jordan?” My hand slipped, causing me to accidentally answer “Yes”), but I am a random fan of baseball with no professional experience or insight. I believe that qualifies me to state my opinion and expect it to mean something. This being said, I’m picking the fairytale Royals to top the much more mortal Rangers. Texas is a strong, resilient team from a strong, resilient state, but they have their weaknesses, like the lack of depth of their pitching staff, specifically in the bullpen. My deepest sympathy to the entire state of Texas. Maybe the team would’ve had it easier if they only got a Wild Card spot.

The Pick: Kansas City 3-0

1. Toronto Blue Jays vs. WC. Houston Astros

From the cornfields to the maple trees, we emerge somewhere unfamiliar. You tell me we need to stop to get directions, especially because we’re not even driving on real grass anymore, but I insist that we continue onward until we reach the spot where all fastballs eventually end up- the upper deck of the Rogers Centre in Toronto. As I have previously mentioned, the Blue Jays are stacked, and their offense is the most powerful in all of baseball with a league-leading .456 slugging percentage. As for their opponent, the Houston Astros, they are coming off of an 11-16 September that shot them down from the division title to the role of a Wild Card. While they will defeat the Yankees in New York in the Wild Card Game, they will not be able to get past the power-hungry Blue Jays, especially with such a poor track record in meaningful games behind them. The Astros were shooting the moon in the early months of the season, but now they’re looking more like the Astros we’re accustomed to- a young team that can’t quite win enough games to steal an easy division.

The Pick: Toronto 3-1

National League

2. New York Mets vs. 3. Los Angeles Dodgers

      As I coughed out earlier, the Dodgers and Mets are not very good right now. The Dodgers got a break because this is an odd-numbered year, so the Giants are mediocre at best. The Mets caught their break by watching the turmoil of the Washington Nationals all season long, leading to the eventual combustion and demise of the team in our nation’s capital. To explain just how disappointing these two teams have been offensively this year, the Dodgers and Mets are currently 20 and 27 in batting average, respectively. These were supposed to be two of the most sure-batted teams in the Majors, and both are well below the league average. The pitching is what saved both of these teams all season long. They have identical staff ERA’s at 3.47, good for a tie for fourth out of the 30 teams. This makes these two teams very evenly matched; at the time of publication, the Dodgers and Mets had matching 89-70 records.If the two teams were to finish the regular season with the same record, the Mets would take home field advantage by virtue of a 4-3 season series win over Los Angeles. Both teams finish the season in their respective divisions, giving neither team the edge because both the NL East and NL West are not hotbeds for major league talent right now. With my nearly infinite Nostradamus-like ability of prediction, I’m going with the Mets to take the second seed in the NL, home field advantage and the series in this matchup. Right now, they are the more complete team, and they have just the right balance of raw talent and emotion that makes them a fun team to watch.

The Pick: New York 3-2

1. St. Louis Cardinals vs. WC. Chicago Cubs

      Those of you who don’t follow baseball too closely and are used to the Cubs of the early 2000’s might be thinking something like, “The Cubs are in the playoffs?! But they’re not good! They’ve never been good! It’s the apocalypse!” Those less in tune with their baseball knowledge might say, “The Cubs are in the playoffs?! I thought they hadn’t won a game in 100 years!” And those so far away from baseball that they root for the teams with the prettier colors are probably thinking, “Wait. I thought football season was in the spring.” No matter what your knowledge of America’s Pastime is, we must all face this solemn and uncomfortable truth: The Chicago Cubs are a good baseball team with a young core and impressive talent. The Cubs are the real deal, and they are here to stay. Sadly, the current playoff format doesn’t reward team performance as much as the weakness of one’s division. The three best records in all of baseball belong to, in this order, the St. Louis Cardinals, the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Chicago Cubs. With the way the playoffs are set up now, only two of these teams will make it into the NLDS, and only one will advance past them. This means that there is no chance for any of the three best teams in the sport to face each other in a League Championship Series, let alone the World Series. I digress, I pick the Cubs to dip and dive their way (not unlike a Jake Arrieta sinker) past the Pirates in the Wild Card Game because of one man. That man is not really a man. Similarly to my views on the “city” of Kansas City, I believe that Jake Arrieta is actually the Greek god of breaking balls. How can a band of pirates stand up against a god? In short, they can’t. Will the Cardinals fold in the same way? In short, no, because Arrieta won’t pitch again until Game 3 or 4. This give St. Louis the clear edge in this series. I’m not saying that the Cardinals are the best team in baseball or that the Cubs would be hard pressed to find a win without Arrieta on the mound, but I am strongly implying both points. I apologize for not going to in-depth on this series, but it’s pretty clear who the winner will be.

The Pick: St. Louis 3-1