Logan Ponche

Attention all gentlemen of Francis Howell North! This is an official warning in regards to the exponential growth of colored bands that are currently invading our fine institution. Be warned! If caught with one around your wrist, you will instantly look (and in some cases, sound and act) like a five-year-old girl. These colored bands- or “silly bands”, to use their slang term- are brightly colored rubber bands that come in (quite literally) all shapes and sizes, and serve absolutely no purpose whatso- ever. Except to take your manhood from you.

Speaking for the male population, we do not want to see this disease spread any furlogan ponche ther than it has. Already there have been several sad cases of males catching “sillybanditis” (as it has become known) in this, the fourth week of school. Symptoms include a steadily increasing pitch of one’s voice, loss of facial and leg hair, and a rash where the band takes hold of the wrist.

If sillybanditis is discovered in a male, swift action must be taken, for the disease is known to advance at an extremely rapid rate. It only takes ten minutes for it to spread to the cerebral cortex in the brain, at which point the male will decide the band is no longer “girly” but actually “cool.” By 15 minutes, it will have fully entered the nervous system and will have shot numbness to the wrist in contact with the band in order to evade any further irritation of the skin (the infected male may try to start collecting more silly bands at this time). By 20 minutes, the disease will have fully entered the bloodstream and will be all but curable from there on out.

However there is still hope left. As Smokey the Bear says, “only you can prevent forest fires.” On an individual level, sillybanditis can easily be prevented if simple precautions are taken. Checking your wrists every ten to fifteen minutes is a simple maneuver that takes less than a second to do. Avoid females with silly bands on, and if caught with one, simply follow the “break, run, wash” strategy. When these simple measures are taken, any male can avoid the embarrassment that comes with sillybanditis.