I won’t lie; I have very little patience for bad drivers. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m the first one to start screaming when I get cut off. I don’t discriminate; there are so many different kinds of bad drivers that drive me up the wall.

‘The Swerver’

They’re either texting, falling asleep or who knows what, but they can’t seem to keep their vehicle in their designated lane. First of all, texting while driving is very illegal and very dangerous. Secondly, if someone was falling asleep while driving that is a whole other kind of danger. Nobody wants to be driving along and then get sideswiped by Snoozing Susan. Newsflash! Swervers need to stay in their lanes and stop endangering others.

‘The Speed Demon’

I get it, you’re in a hurry. So is everybody else on the road. If we were not in a hurry, we’d walk. Speed limits are not just excuses for cops to give out tickets. They’re there for a reason: so people don’t lose control of their vehicle. Those signs really need a bit more attention, and would be a little easier to see if they weren’t a blur on the side of the road as you speed past. I wish I could stick a metaphorical foot out and trip those speeders. Maybe that would slow them down.

‘The NASCAR Wannabe’

Commonly known as tailgaters, Wannabe’s are very frequently also a member of the Speed Demon category. They get up right on top of the poor unfortunate driver in front of them and play some weird form of chicken. And no, despite what their bumper stickers say, they are not merely drafting. Drafting is for the professionals. Not highway traffic.

‘The Weaver’

Also a common member of the Speed Demon category, these drivers not only need to get to where they’re going as fast as possible, they will cut you off to do it. Commonly wannanbes turn into Weavers as soon as tailgating the person in front of them does not urge the driver in front to speed up. To do this, they apply the “slingshot method”, where they draft as close as they can to reduce wind resistance and then whip around the draftee like a slingshot. Beware draftees, you will be getting a hostile glare as the Weaver zooms past. Feel their speedy wrath.

‘Tuttles’

On the opposite end of the driving spectrum are those people who ride with their nose to the steering wheel and 15 MPH under the speed limit. These drivers should probably be reminded that the accelerator is on the right. Even my grandmother drives the speed limit. She’s the one that’s yelling “MOVE ALONG, TUTTLES!” as she comes up on the anti-speed demon.

Traffic must keep moving. Please don’t slow the rest of the world down. Driving politely and intelligently is not just for the test to get your license. A little common courtesy and common sense goes a long way.

By Sam Dulaney