According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, approximately 24 million people in the United States suffer from an eating disorder. Of those, only one out of ten people seek treatment for it. Senior Abby Miller was that one.

“I was on tube feedings for ten weeks,” Abby said. “It got to where I was able to go days without eating. It was just normal for me. It just got to a point where I was used to it, and I wasn’t hungry. I was just used to it.”

It sounds like a TV show or a John Green novel, but for Abby, this was her reality. Abby suffered from Anorexia Nervosa, an eating disorder characterized by the refusal to maintain a healthy weight, a fear of gaining weight, and a skewed image of oneself. For a year and a half, she was in and out of treatment facilities trying to get a handle on the deadly disorder.

“The hardest part about dealing with an eating disorder is that you are faced with your addiction multiple times a day, whereas someone with alcohol addiction, they don’t ever have to drink again to live,” Cara Faries, Clinical Director for the Intensive Outpatient Program at Castlewood Treatment Center, said. “Someone with a food addiction has to eat, has to figure out how much is too much, how much is too little, and how to tolerate it in their body.”

At first, Abby’s parents and friends didn’t notice that something was off, and that Abby was struggling with something that they didn’t understand. Abby was very active, and between her after school job, playing Varsity softball, and just generally growing up, Abby’s mom, Sherry Miller, figured that everything was okay, despite the weight loss. It wasn’t until the school called home, alarmed by changes in Abby, that she realized Abby needed help.

“She didn’t show it in the beginning, so of course I was like, ‘Oh, she’s fine, just make her eat and she’s fine,” Sherry said. “But then things started to get bad, and I realized that we needed to take care of it, needed to figure it out and do whatever it takes to get her healthy again.”

Abby went to multiple treatment facilities, including McCallum Place, an eating disorder center in St. Louis. She spent several months there, attending group therapy sessions and counseling in residential care. In the beginning, she wasn’t focused so much on recovery as the feeling of being trapped; however, that all changed when she realized that her recovery was up to her.

“One day it just hit me: do I wanna spend my whole life like this?” Abby said. “Do I wanna see what people are talking about, you know, being at a healthier weight? Do I wanna see a different side of this, because I don’t remember anything else now. I just had to realize that I’m doing this for myself, and the Direct Care Staff [at Mccallum] were so proud of me for that, and it motivated me to keep going with my recovery.”

Though it took eight months for Abby to accept her treatment, the actual process of recovery varies for each person that has an eating disorder. It can depend on the level the addiction has gotten to and the person’s willingness to work towards remission.

“They have to do it for themselves,” Sherry said. “You can’t make people eat, you can’t make people change their head. It is always up to them. It’s a part of their treatment, it’s when they finally get the knowledge that ‘I can either do this and stay sick or I can do that and feel better’.”

Many of the dark thoughts associated with mental disorders leave people feeling isolated and lonely, like they are alone in their struggle. Though Abby still struggles with her thoughts and the urges to restrict her eating some days, she knows how important it is to not give in to them.

“I just lost so much time that I could have spent with my friends and my family because I was dealing with this,” Abby said. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but I really kind of lost everything for awhile. And when you get it back, it’s awesome. You just really can’t give up, you have to focus on recovery and get to wherever that means for you, and always remember that you are never alone.”