As I sat with my friends by the pool months ago and we discussed our applications to the colleges we planned to commit to in the coming months, all I could think about is how the girls that I’ve been giggling with, and sharing secrets with since before our first teeth had even fallen out would be all across the country a year from now.

Now six months later it’s no longer applications and college essays, but instead housing agreements and commitment fees. It begins to feel all too real. And it’s not a mess I can just shove further and further under my bed. I still can’t help but cry on my way home from every last.

Last full newspaper.

Last skating competition.

Last school dance.

But along with those have come so many firsts.

First college admission.

First conversation with my future roommate.

First time not feeling excited for college.

I cannot help but ruin good moments by thinking about my impending graduation, and move out that I know is coming. I can’t kick my brother out of my room for being annoying, because I know there’s only so long that I’ll get to hear about his silly girl drama or cool new skate tricks. I can’t skip out on family events without thinking about the fact that this is the last year I will truly be living with them, and not just staying for the summer. I know true adulthood is far away, yet much like the monster in my closet it seems a lot bigger and scarier than it really is.

Every shared laugh, every casual conversation now carries a bittersweet undertone. The thought of just visiting or calling the people who have made me who I am today makes me want to freeze time. I know that this transition is inevitable and necessary, even if it feels like the first time I saw true darkness as a kid and claimed my eyes didn’t work anymore.

And while I have fully functioning eyes I also have noticed a new-found excitement for what comes next. A smile has begun to emerge as I tell my family about what college I’m going to attend, what major I’ve settled into, who my future roommate will be and what career I plan to pursue. I see my friends who are first-year college students enjoying their new school and have begun to get a teensy bit of FOMO. And while I am not anywhere near wanting to be out of this place, I feel just a bit better.